I'll show you mine if you show me yours
by Snipa
Summary: Mini-thoughts. Random ideas. Purely unsupervised thoughts about the Naruto world! Rated T for language.


As summary stated: This is a crack fanfic. Not really that much. Just some really weird ideas that come up. Scenes are separated by the "XXXxxXXxxXXx" lines. Will skip along the timeline randomly. Updates randomly.

Warning: These crack plots are usually birthed at the unholy hour of 3 in the morning. You have been warned.

Note: this has been years in the making. I'm actually searching through an entire database of these random Naruto thoughts.

Disclaimer: [Put words that would describe how witty it would be to own Naruto but sadly does not here]

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"WHUAS: Wild Hair Up Ass Syndrome.

Common symptoms: 1. Capable of thinking up, planning out, and pulling off ideas that SHOULDN'T work in the first place. 2. Cannot sit still for more then 10 seconds. 3. Revels in the suffering of others. 4. Laughs evilly. 5. Wears bright colors.

Commonly found in: Mentally deprived individuals. Blond midgets. Socially inept or under-loved people.

Side notes: May include brief but random moments of high levels of intellectual thinking. Usually involved in the planning stages to break innocent(read: bullshit) civilians.

Known causes of illness: None outright. Many theories suggesting mental and social deprivation.

Known cures: Currently researching.

Known subjects with syndrome:"

The doctor looked up out of his window to see the entire Hokage Mountain with random paintings and drawings all over it. Blurs of ninjas were chasing an orange blur that they just couldn't quite pin down. Said orange blur was laughing maniacally. The doctor looked back down at the form he was filling in for known mental illnesses. He put his pen to the paper.

"Naruto Uzumaki."

XXXxxXXxxXXx

Kyuubi contemplates:

Why doesn't this sewer smell like piss?

XXXxxXXxxXXx

"Heh, suckers," Naruto said as he ducked behind a corner. The tailing ninja went straight passed the 8 year old blond. Naruto took a look left then right, and then dashed out of his hiding place. He ran down the street as quietly as possible(i.e. Making large amounts of noise).

Naruto turned a quick corner only to fall over something. The kid twitched once or twice before slowly getting up using his hands to support him on the soft surface of the ground. He held his head with the other hand as he had hit it hard. He moved to push himself up, but he suddenly heard a squeak. He looked down, only to see a blue haired girl with her eyes closed in pain and her face flushed in anger.

Naruto quickly jumped off of her, apologizing all the same, and then running off. "Great, I made another person mad at me. And it wasn't on purpose this time! Wait," He stopped running, "Wasn't she in my class? Great, I'll have to avoid her from now on."

And thus, starts Naruto's great adventures. His tail is wrought with the misunderstandings of both girls and woman alike.

–

Back at the scene of the crime:

Who was that blond haired boy? Wait, wasn't he in her class that she started recently? Why did her face feel hot? And why did her chest feel so good?

XXXxxXXxxXXx

A 12 year old Hanabi was walking down the street when she felt something watching her. She looked back to see a square rock. She sighed. "What do you need, Konohamaru-san."

The square rock exploded.

When the smoke cleared, Konohamaru was standing there with a large sign up saying "Go out with me!" The boy was blushing madly. When he didn't hear a sound he opened his eyes to see that the girl had left. The boy visibly slumped forward. "Damn."

XXXxxXXxxXXx

How Naruto got his apartment:

Naruto scrunched his face up as he looked at the funny looking cards in front of him.

"Come on, kid. You gonna fold or stay in," a man asked.

"I don't know if I got anything good," the kid says. "but my gut says to stay in."

"Trusting your gut, gaki," a purple haired lady asked.

Naruto shrugged, "Yeah, but nothing matches."

the lady smirked. "how about, you put in the last bit of tokens you got there, and I'll throw in my apartment on top of it."

Naruto shrugged. "Sure."

"Alright, are both you staying," the dealer asked

"Yes/yeap."

"Put you cards down then."

The lady smiled. "I guess I get all of your money then twerp! Read 'em and weep, 3 of a kind king."

Naruto frowned, "Oh well." The kid let his hand fall on the table.

The lady was currently scooping up the money when the dealer suddenly says, "Winner, Naruto."

The girl looks at the dealer like he's crazy, then back at the kid's cards. Her jaw drops. "Damn."

Straight flush.

–

Anko was currently crying in a corner. Her third hidey hole was list! To a damn brat! She felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Kakashi smiling back down at her. "Now you know why we fold when Naruto is playing and the stakes are high."

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"Minato-koi," A female voice called out, "Who is this Haruno woman standing at the front door and why is she asking for you!"

Minato lifted his eyebrow up as he stopped studying his scrolls. Haruno... Haruno... Who was tha- oooh, the pink haired woman who randomly followed him around town. He didn't mind that fact. He had a large amount of fangirls chasing him all the time. He only knew her because she was the leader of the group. However, his wife-to-be had that "This better not be what I think it is" tone to it. Only one way to clear up this mess. "Tell the slut to go away and stop stalking me or I'll have our future kid beat the random heck out of her future kid for no good reason!"

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If Naruto had a Military Smart-Jet:

"Cool! What's this thing," A 6 year-old Naruto asked out loud. Before him was a big shiny thing that looked all cool and black looking. It was humungous too! He saw a set of stairs leading up into the center of the thing. Naruto shrugged and went inside. He explored for a little while before find a room with some windows in it. A voice spoke up.

"Hello, Master. I have been waiting for some time for you to come back. Please input your target location."

"Location," Naruto asked the metallic and funny sounding voice.

"Yes, like a place or a city you know."

"You mean like Iwagakure no Sato," said for no particular reason.

"Location confirmed. Please select the type of bomb to be used." A list of names came up one a window nearby Naruto.

Naruto suddenly heard a loud whirring sound start up as he asked a question out loud, "What does napalm bombing mean?"

–

Madara Uchiha walked into a dark cave slowly. He was happy. He had randomly found a large weapon of mass destruction that could hit targets that he wanted to. It was sheer luck as it had been in the middle of the sea. The best part was, it was all HIS. The was no way anyone could find this cave much less get to this point in the system. You had to have the sheer luck of a six year old blond midget. It was literally the last place anyone would think to look for it.

The man paused. That thought about blond midgets was oddly specific. Maybe he should have himself checked out later. He's like, 150-something years old now. He's got to have some sort of mental disease by now.

Madara flicked a light switched nearby the entrance to the cave. Lights came on to illuminate the cave. Suddenly, one question popped into Madara's mind that he had to ask.

"Where the fuck's my B-153?"

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Why the dinosaurs died:

"Kabuto_-Kun_," a voice called out.

Said silver haired boy stiffened.

"It's time to play Hide the trouser snake!"

XXXxxXXxxXXx

… (Okay, I admit, that last one might've been a bit much... now for some mind soap:)

Konan slowly slid her coat up. "Pain-sama! Please, I need your shinra tenshi!"

(.. That wasn't quite what I meant, oh well. Back to the show!)

XXXxxXXxxXXx

A blond haired 10 year-old kid soundly slept in his bed. His alarm clock nearby was currently showing 6:59.

Inside Naruto's mind:

Knee bracers. Check. Helmet. Check. Body padding. Check. Face cushioning. Check. Rear cushioning. Check. Walls lined with soft pillows. Check.

A giant nine-tailed fox suddenly heard a loud ringing going off in the outside world. The kyuubi tensed.

Outside Naruto's mind a few minutes later:

Naruto slowly walked up to the ninja academy. There he saw most of the other students playing around outside. Naruto saw a pink girl standing around with other girls currently stalking Sasuke.

"Sakura-chan," Naruto called out as he ran up to her.

"**Bring it on, Pink haired bitch!"**

Naruto stopped in his tracks as he looked around randomly for the source of that voice.

–

Sasuke ran away as he heard the blond's voice. He was grateful that the blond had warned him that the fangirl was nearby. Sasuke shivered at the thought of her. He wondered what male pissed off her mom to make her.

–

Sakura sighed in annoyance. That damned blond had ruined her stal- observing time with Sasuke. He would pay for that. She lifted up her arm as she ran to punch the oblivious blond that was randomly looking around.

A few moments later:

A badly injured and dazed Kyuubi with swirling eyes spoke softly: **"Note to self: walls lined with pillows made out of yoki is not enough. Test number 1634 failed. Gonna pass out now. End of note to self."**

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Behind the scenes:

Sarutobi Hiruzen. God of Shinobi. Professor. Politician. The man who had lived through three separate but completely destructive wars between the ninja villages... was currently crying.

Why?

He was losing the greatest war known to all mankind! Paperwork.

Why?

Naruto pranked the ANBU to hell.

Seriously, how does an 11 year old blond wearing a BRIGHT ORANGE jumpsuit manage to sneak in over 300 gallons of liquid corn starch into the second most secured facility in the village? And where the hell did he get 50 bunsen burners to activate simultaneously? Ugh, it's gonna take forever to clean the damned facility. What's worse is that no one has any evidence that Naruto did it.

The Third Hokage put his pen down and shuffled through his desk. Screw the pipe, he needed his sake.

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Naruto's thoughts during an Iruka lecture:

Ramen. Oh how I love thee. How I wish I could make thine love me back. Oh, I don't need others. Ramen. All I need is you. How I contemplate the inner workings of your brothy flavor day in and day out. How your sweet sweet noodles slid down my throat so smoothly. I can't go a da- Oh, look, a Ryo! -y without having at least one bowl of your delicious goodness. I wish that you and I could never be parted, but fear not my lovely! For every parting, there is a re-uniting. And whenever we meet again and again, I fall in love with you more and more. How you give off that salty smell whenever I go to meet you. It's like fa- Damn that uke is so gay- te that my nose can smell you from miles away. But for now, I must brave this damned school once more before we can meet. I must face my worst nightmare! Only then can I face you without any guilt! I must once more try to make it through this..boring... ass... lecture...

BAM!

Iruka turned around to see a sleeping Naruto. The dolphin sighed. How was Naruto's vocabulary ever gonna get better if he kept falling asleep attention during language classes?

XXXxxXXxxXXx

If Naruto had a pogo stick:

"WEEEEEE!"

"Get back here, goddammit, how the fuck does that kid move so fast on that thing!"

Uber ninjas on pogosticks. Why hasn't anyone thought of this? Seriously, I dare someone to make a fanfic on this.

XXXxxXXxxXXx

Security inspection day.

4 pairs of lace underwear. 16 pairs of special panties. 7 erotic bras. 3 hidden sex toys. A playboy magazine. 13 thongs. A collar and a leash. A leather harness... was that a butt plug?

Hiashi deactivated his Byakugan as he was sitting in his elder daughter's room. He then pinch the bridge of his nose as he sighed out, "Just like her mother."

XXXxxXXxxXXx

Till next time folks!


End file.
